I need to start off by saying that I am truly so blessed. I have an amazing family, boyfriend, and job. However, I need to learn not to forget these many blessings in the face of adversity. I also need to remember the past is the past it can not be changed.
I guess I will start with my biggest hang up with past....choices Roy and I have made. For anyone that knows me knows that the past few months have been beyond rough for Roy and I. It got to the lowest it had ever been which ultimately lead to our break up and cancellation of our wedding. To this day if Roy and I try to talk about it I end up crying. I don't wear my ring anymore and there is no June wedding. I should be doing all kinds of wedding planning right now but instead I just cry about a wedding. Not only that my stomach turns at the thought of even having to go to a wedding. It doesn't help that 2 cousins are getting married in July and in August. In retrospect us breaking up was the best thing for us. We were not a good couple anymore and honestly I think we had to completely break to realize things needed to be fixed. Now we have fixed things and things are probably better then they have ever been. I think that is part of what makes me so upset about us not getting married in June is the fact that we are so good right now. Also, this morning I realized that had we been getting married in June Roy would have had to use his vacation time for that. Well, Roy hurt his back like 3 weeks ago and since then has had to use all his vacation time. This reminds how I need to put more faith in God's plans because there are reasons for everything.
Lately the major thing that I let cloud my gratefulness for my many blessings would be money. I understand what a trivial thing money is but unfortunately it is something I can't ever stop worrying about. Roy and I have a BEAUTIFUL big house which we bought thinking it would be ok if we struggled the first year or so because Roy was supposed to be in line at his job for the manager program. However, after a year later Roy is still running dairy departments with no sign even for being picked to start manger training. It makes me so frustrated with his job. It actually makes me hate his job. Then when I left my job as a teacher I took a pay cut not very much but still a pay cut. I just hate having to live paycheck to paycheck and using almost every cent of it. When I want to do something extra or something unexpected comes up there is typically no money for it. Like right now we both have a total of a few thousand dollars in medical bills we can't pay (bye bye good credit), Roy's window is cracked, and we need shingles replaced on the roof plus a patch in the wall where there was water damage. I understand we are blessed to be able to pay our regular bills and even have such a great house. I am just ready to not have to struggle as much financially. However, I read a quote yesterday thanks to pinterest pretty much saying God doesn't move you until its time because the struggles up ahead might be a lot harder right now.
So I'm really just trying to learn how to put more faith and trust in God. So any suggestions on how to do that would be greatly appreciated. Now it is time for me to go to bed so I can hopefully get up and treadmill it up in the morning! Sweet Dreams Ya'll!!!
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